Something that I had not realized before our writing assignment today is how deeply I desire the approval of my peers, family, and respected community. I'll preface this blog with what I wrote today in class:
White guilt is another theme that I've explore this semester... i've realized that the reason i've felt it is because I didn't want to be associated with the "White Anglo Saxon" colonists who committed the monstrosities against the indigenous peoples... it sounds ridiculous that that would worry me but it does. This even applies to Christianity. I don't like being associated with the hoards of those who don't take it seriously... who commit absurdities in the name of God... who abuse, misuse, and rape the world while tucking a Bible under their belt. All this to say that if I look at the problem underlying it all then I realize that it boils down to my basic human desire to fit in, to belong.
To take this even a step further, the reason I am longing to fit in is because I don't have a complete, all-satisfying relationship with God. It was lost at the Fall and ever since then humanity has been reaching for something to fill the void that only God can fill. Music, clothes, hobbies, friends, school, boyfriends are all attempts to find that perfect love and approval from God. I'm not saying that they are wrong because everything has the opportunity to be beautiful if used/done properly, but to create an identity apart from God will never work. One of my absolute favorite authors, Donald Miller, recorded in one of his books an interview that he had. The press asked him why he wrote books and what about it attracted him. I'm terribly paraphrasing, but Don responded something along the lines of "I just want people to like me." And it's so true! I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't stand the idea of any American Indians hating me because i'm White... I hate being the cause of any pain or frustration... I like things in order, harmonious, peaceful, and I know I had no control of the whirlwind of monstrosities that happened to the American Indians but I just don't want them to associate it with me.
All this to say that I've realized that I while I don't have complete control over how they view me, I can have peace in the realization that I am willing to open up, be humble, search for answers, and make things right when I can. It's not this overwhelming burden that I feel anymore, but an optimistic hope that I need only focus on building friendships, one person at a time. This is a topic that can be discussed in many areas, not just race: cliques in school, teams in sports, gangs, country-to-country politics..... the list goes on. I truly believe that if people were more willing to be honest with people about what they don't know, then a lot of problems could have the potential to work out. I've seen it with my good friend, Zarian. I don't want to say that we are "better friends", but since we've had that initial conversation about politically correct racial tags, I think that it's enabled and positioned our friendship to allow deeper conversations.... to have a richer, fuller friendship... all because we have made an environment that allows questions and confusion and a desire to work through it all.
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